Have you ever been paralyzed by a fear so deep; it seemed impossible to overcome? It may have been something like the dark, or insects, or even heights. My fears were not of this kind. They were much deeper. I was afraid of living.
Before I tell you my story, I want to give a bit of background. I was working as a manager until I experienced a difficult car accident. After years of rehabilitation and trauma therapy, I had found some peace in journaling, painting, and singing—but something still felt missing. I had been searching for a while for a true passionate way to self express. I had just finished re-reading a book about following my dreams and I felt more ready than ever to pursue them, assuming I could identify that passion. The first time I read it, the fear of reinjuring myself or getting into a toxic environment was too strong. Irrational fears, isn’t that what they are called? I only knew my body was jumping out of relaxed mode and into flight or fright faster than a professional skydiver jumps out of a plane. I would be stuck for hours or days in these states or in emotional states that I was unable to escape from. Sadness, depression, anxiety. I did a lot of work that year on my emotional regulation. This year was the year I would conquer even one of my larger fears. I could feel it.
As I worked through these emotions, a friend mentioned something unexpected: Toastmasters. He suggested I attend a meeting just to see what its like. Needless to say, I was very nervous and afraid. For example, I worried that these hardworking professionals would see me, an aspiring author battling imposter syndrome, as out of place. Furthermore, how else will I be perceived? I must not make any mistakes or else they will think I am incompetent. Moreover, what if they judge me negatively? There is so much stigma regarding my situation in life. And finally, how will my restart in life be received? I know my background. I love to learn and connect with others. They don’t know me. What will they say?
Despite these concerns, I still brought up my courage to attend a meeting. I was prepared to go in person. It was a Hallowe’en event. I joined the meeting online as there was no meeting in person. I tapped into my previous skills as a sales associate, smiled and sent out my friendly vibes.
It was all so professional. I reveled in it. It had been years since I had been in an environment with others like this. It was timely, there were many friendly faces, and people seemed inviting. I even got to participate in some activity called table topics. Not only that, but I was ribboned best table topics speaker! I was beyond shocked. Everyone’s vibe was spot on welcoming. It was a lot easier to attend virtually and get to know others before attending my first in person meeting.
First meeting: I arrived half an hour early and sat in my car, my heart racing and my hands trembling. I kept telling myself, “You can do this!”, though a part of me wasn’t sure I believed it. When I walked though the open doors, I saw friendly faces and I felt relaxed. I spoke to a few people and the usual ritual of the meeting began. I could feel it in my bones: I belonged here. I don’t know how or why, but I just knew. Being at Toastmasters motivated me greatly and I realised that I wanted to tell my story. Even if I could touch one life by my words, it would be worth it.
Joining Toastmasters helped me conquer one of my deepest fears—not just of public self expression, but of truly living. It has been a gift beyond measure, and for that, I am endlessly grateful. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Cheers!
Created by Rabia Ahmedullah, Milton Escarpment Toastmasters Club