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3 Fs + for Conflict Resolution

Have you ever had discussions with another person that lead you to say something like “Fine, you are right again” and then you walked away upset and the other person was also still frustrated? How can we change that? Let me share my 3 Fs Plus of Conflict Resolution:

  • Feelings
  • Frustration
  • Fairness

Feelings

When we start discussions, we usually have firm feelings or believes about a topic. That is always the reason discussions and arguments start, don’t you agree? Then it ends up in a back-and-forth battle and nobody wins.

My husband and I are in general peace-loving people. However, we can get into heated discussions over some small problems and end up being mad at each other because we can’t come to an amical conflict resolution. Instead of ending up in two corners were nobody wins, may I suggest a few things how you can approach it:

– You can make the following statement when the other person approaches you with an issue. “Let me repeat to you what I heard you say”. That way any misunderstanding is taken out of the equation. Let me give you an example. “I had enough of your nagging all day”. “Did I hear you saying I am nagging you all day? I am truly sorry; I didn’t mean to nag you. Could I ask you to be more accommodating in certain things that you know I dislike?” Now, that’s me in a non argumentative state. Had I gone back instead saying “I am not nagging you all day”, the conversation would have ended in a back and forth argument.

– Another question you may ask is “What did you mean by that?” That can also diffuse an argument.
– Or say “I am not sure I understood, can you please repeat what you said?”

Feelings are tough to control and I hope with these questions and statements, you can avoid unending arguments. Be firm in your believe, but leave room for flexibility to understand the other person’s point of view.

Frustration

Before you become frustrated, can you change it to fun and then fulfillment for each person involved in the conflict?

Sam Horn in her book Tongue Fu, suggests to find our hot buttons. Then change it to fun before you become frustrated. She talked about a couple that reminded me of Dan and I when we first got married. People thought we should have kids or assumed we had kids already. The couple in Sam Horn’s book turned their frustration into fun. When someone asked them about when they are going to have children, they said “We knew we forgot something”. That made people laugh. Had they said instead said “Why are you asking”, the conversation would have turned into an argument. I wish Sam’s book was around 23 years ago.

What is your hot button? What frustrates you in your private or business life? Discover what your hot buttons are. Then turn them into fun and ultimately to fulfillment.

Fairness

I believe this last point is the most important one of my presentation, today. How can we reach a fair outcome during a conflict? By taking the fear of loosing an argument out of the equation. I often feel when an argument doesn’t end in my favour, that I have lost. Have you felt that way? That’s the fear of loosing! How, can we change that?

Knowing your own personality and the people’s personality closest to you can help you avoid unnecessary conflict. I like the DISC personality theory that is used by David Kiyosaki in his book Rich Dad, Poor Dad, and is also taught by the Maxwell Leadership Institute.

The DISC Personality profile includes the four personality styles:

The dominant, the influencer, the steady person and the conscientious. What’s your personality? It could be a mix of the different ones as well. My primary personality style is dominant, and I also have part of the others in me. Study the personality styles and take a test. Once you learned enough about personality styles, find out what your partner, your closest peers in business or fun activities, your extended family, and your Toastmasters’ peers’ personalities are. That’ll make any conflict turn into fairness instead of walking away and feeling frustrated.

You can find lots of information on the internet and there are many sites that offer free personality tests. Like Nike says Just do it, I tell you just google it.

Let me reiterate my 3 F’s of conflict resolution:

  1. Have firm feelings, but leave room for flexibility
  2. Turn frustration to fun and ultimately to fulfillment
    And
  3. Turn fear into fairness by learning your and others’ personality styles

Created by Anja Gangur, Speed River Toastmasters